The ten signs of ageing

Am in state of mild shock. Apparently there are now ten signs of ageing. TEN! I was just about coping when Oil of Ulay (along with a Neanderthal hairline and a tendency to gingerness, I have also inherited from parents a refusal to acknowledge any change in brand names, thus I still use Jif and hate Marathons) told me there were seven signs I needed to tackle immediately lest I be left on shelf like withered crone. But imagine my shock this morning when I flicked over to ITV only to be told by L’Oreal that I now need to panic about ten.

Ten? Really? And they don’t even give me helpful list like Ulay did, so started frantically working out what they might be. Thus:

  1. Lines (tick)
  2. Wrinkles (tick, though not sure how these differ from lines. Is like trying to tell a tangerine from a satsuma or any one of made-up mini oranges that Waitrose stocks these days)
  3. Freckles on hands (tick, though have had these since age two so this is non-starter really)
  4. Sagging (appear to have fended off basset hound face so far, so one point to me

Which is where I floundered. So have had to invent several:

5.  Not even getting cross about prospect of staying in on a Saturday night, as opposed to staggering around provincial town centre high on heady mix of Jager and self-righteousness of youth.

6. Purchase of thermal vest from M&S, as opposed to screeching at your mum that you would rather freeze to death in a black lace cami top (Goth phase, very short-lived) than wear sensible anything.

7.  Interest in cheeses bordering on obsessive.

8.  Hours spent poring over entire works of Nigella to find recipe for home-made chutney to go with said cheeses.

9.  Overuse of phrase “these days”.

10. Refusal to acknowledge change in brand names.

All boxes ticked. It is official. I am old. I blame Pudsey bear. If I hadn’t been forced to change channel to avoid his grinning, gormless form I would be none the wiser.

 

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About Joanna Nadin

I write books for children. And teenagers. I like London, New York, Essex, tea, cake, Marmite, Metric, mint imperials, prom dresses, pubs, that bit in the West Wing where Donna tells Josh she wouldn’t stop for a red light if he was in an accident, junk shops, crisps, Cornwall, St Custard’s, Portuguese custard tarts, political geeks, pin-up swimsuits, the Regency, high heels, horses, old songs, my Grandma’s fur coat, vinyl, liner notes, the smell of old books, the feel of a velveteen monkey, Guinness, quiffs, putting my hand in a bin of chicken feed, the 1950s, burlesque, automata, fiddles, flaneuring, gigs in fields on warm summer nights, Bath, the bath.
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3 Responses to The ten signs of ageing

  1. Aok666 says:

    Tangerines are larger, more sour and harder to peel. And darker. Stick to satsumas.

  2. Kelley Townley says:

    An excellent and thoroughly well-observed list. Good job.

  3. Joanna Nadin says:

    Reblogged this on Joanna Nadin and commented:

    In light of today’s tabloid coverage, and subsequent BBC Tees interview I thought I’d repost this….

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