The ten signs of ageing

Am in state of mild shock. Apparently there are now ten signs of ageing. TEN! I was just about coping when Oil of Ulay (along with a Neanderthal hairline and a tendency to gingerness, I have also inherited from parents a refusal to acknowledge any change in brand names, thus I still use Jif and hate Marathons) told me there were seven signs I needed to tackle immediately lest I be left on shelf like withered crone. But imagine my shock this morning when I flicked over to ITV only to be told by L’Oreal that I now need to panic about ten.

Ten? Really? And they don’t even give me helpful list like Ulay did, so started frantically working out what they might be. Thus:

  1. Lines (tick)
  2. Wrinkles (tick, though not sure how these differ from lines. Is like trying to tell a tangerine from a satsuma or any one of made-up mini oranges that Waitrose stocks these days)
  3. Freckles on hands (tick, though have had these since age two so this is non-starter really)
  4. Sagging (appear to have fended off basset hound face so far, so one point to me

Which is where I floundered. So have had to invent several:

5.  Not even getting cross about prospect of staying in on a Saturday night, as opposed to staggering around provincial town centre high on heady mix of Jager and self-righteousness of youth.

6. Purchase of thermal vest from M&S, as opposed to screeching at your mum that you would rather freeze to death in a black lace cami top (Goth phase, very short-lived) than wear sensible anything.

7.  Interest in cheeses bordering on obsessive.

8.  Hours spent poring over entire works of Nigella to find recipe for home-made chutney to go with said cheeses.

9.  Overuse of phrase “these days”.

10. Refusal to acknowledge change in brand names.

All boxes ticked. It is official. I am old. I blame Pudsey bear. If I hadn’t been forced to change channel to avoid his grinning, gormless form I would be none the wiser.

 

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About Joanna Nadin

A former broadcast journalist and special adviser to the prime minister, since leaving politics I’ve written more than 70 books, as well as speeches for politicians, and articles for newspapers and magazines like Red and The Amorist. I also lecture in Creative Writing at Bath Spa University, and hold a doctorate in young adult literature. I’m a winner of the Fantastic Book Award and the Surrey Book Award, and have been shortlisted for the Roald Dahl Funny Prize, the Booktrust Best Book award and Queen of Teen among others, and nominated for the Carnegie Medal for Joe All Alone, which is currently being adapted for television. I also work with Sir Chris Hoy on the Flying Fergus series. I like London, New York, Essex, tea, cake, Marmite, mint imperials, prom dresses, pubs, that bit in the West Wing where Donna tells Josh she wouldn’t stop for a red light if he was in an accident, junk shops, crisps, Cornwall, St Custard’s, Portuguese custard tarts, political geeks, pin-up swimsuits, the Regency, high heels, horses, old songs, my Grandma’s fur coat, vinyl, liner notes, the smell of old books, the feel of a velveteen monkey, Guinness, quiffs, putting my hand in a bin of chicken feed, the 1950s, burlesque, automata, fiddles, flaneuring, gigs in fields on warm summer nights, Bath, the bath.
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3 Responses to The ten signs of ageing

  1. Aok666 says:

    Tangerines are larger, more sour and harder to peel. And darker. Stick to satsumas.

  2. Kelley Townley says:

    An excellent and thoroughly well-observed list. Good job.

  3. Joanna Nadin says:

    Reblogged this on Joanna Nadin and commented:

    In light of today’s tabloid coverage, and subsequent BBC Tees interview I thought I’d repost this….

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